As far as I’m concerned Christmas is a pile of rubbish. It’s expensive, boring and involves a lot of family time, often with feuds aplenty.
All this with one exception: the food. Christmas food is amazing. Warm, comforting, with an element of magic about it – after all, much of the food we feast on during the festive season is nowhere to be found during the rest of the year.
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But not all Christmas treats were created equal, and there are some duds in there.
But fear not, to get you through such confusion we’ve created the definitive ranking of all Christmas foods for you to read and enjoy while pissed-up Gran puts a Quality Street tin on her head and Granddad takes a sneaky look at his Grindr.
10. Brandy butter (or brandy sauce)
Butter is great. Sauce is great. (Seriously, most sauces arouse me a little.)
But screwing them up with revolting throat-scorching brandy? Would you put petrol in your trifle? Disgusting. Just stop it, you animal.
Look, if you need your booze that badly, sign up to AA as your Christmas gift to yourself. I’m very serious about this.
Not in the romantic sense. Those sticky fudgers that are rammed in a teeny cardboard coffin with only a teenier wooden stick to prise them out with.
What are you supposed to do with them? They’re too sweet to eat. And Fig Rolls have already cornered the mushy brown fruit biscuit market.
Like my last non-edible date, get thee back in the box.
Ah, here she is. The tough dry queen of Christmas. Cardboard that needs a jus just to soften her up a bit.
OK, OK, maybe that’s not entirely fair. I do like a bit of turkey. I think.
This once-a-year appearance means I can’t even remember what it tastes like.
What I do remember, though, is how blooming omnipresent it is over those few days.
Turkey curry, turkey vol-au-vents, turkey crumble and so on. It’s really never-ending. And too much.
7. Christmas pudding
No. Just no. Too heavy, too stodgy, too much dried fruit (what is even in a glace cherry, for heavens’ sake?) and, again, too much booze.
What is wrong with you all? You want to get so drunk on Christmas Day that you hangover-sleep the rest of the year away? Is that it?
6. Brussels sprouts
I feel sorry for the sprout. And the cold Russell they were named after. They’re served up once a year and slated the rest. That’s no life.
Let’s try to be a bit broadminded here, please. Yes, their heart taste is bitter and not pleasant at all. And, yes, they make people a little parpy.
But have you tried them roasted with parmesan? Or sautéed with bacon and onion (and Marmite)? Bloody gorgeous.
Or, rather, the ingredients used to disguise the feck-awful sprout taste are bloody gorgeous. Poor BS.
And did you know it’s Brussels sprouts and not Brussel sprouts? My whole life has been a lie.
No, not the hit song from Fiddler On The Roof (‘Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find; catch me a catch’ – totally getting that put on a t-shirt).
I’m talking about the Twiglet-shaped skinny chocolate sticks that are nibbed with mint or orange.
Actually, as chocolate snacks go, they’re just okay. It’s more the fun you can have with them, like stiring milky drinks or, best of all, doing the walrus teeth thing with them.
Oh, look at the Christmas fun we’re having.
4. Boxes of generic chocolates
Celebrations, Roses, Heroes, Quality Street… Basically, any tins of miniature chocolates.
I love these. And I’m right to. The variety, the surprise, the sheer joy of winding people right up by leaving the empty wrappers in the tin. It’s excellent.
Last week I saw someone offering a Quality Street tin – ‘an actual tin. Not a plastic container’ – on Freecycle. The offerer was, quite rightly, very proud of this.
3. Mince pies
Now we’re talking. Buttery pastry, sweet moist spicy filling. Delicious.
Although maybe the mince pies shouldn’t be on the Christmas list. They are, after all, available in most supermarkets from about June. No complaints here though.
2. Pigs in blankets
God, those bacon-wrapped little sausages are so everything. Salty and meaty (jazz mag title for you right there), crispy and soft, what more could you want?
My only complaint is that they only appear at Christmas. Why aren’t we eating them every day?
For me, eggnog is the ultimate Christmas ‘food’.
To be honest, I have no effing clue what it is but it makes me feel like I’m co-starring in a Channel 5 Christmas film with Chevy Chase.
Merry Christmas, kids. Steady on the stuffing now.
Bibi is the Lynch who stole Christmas. She writes about this and other dislikes at www.bibilynch.com
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