First the millennials came for the diamonds, and I did not speak out, because I dont care about diamonds.
Then they came for the fabric softener, and I did not speak out, because my fabrics are soft enough.
Then they came for mayonnaise, and there was no one left to speak for me, because all the other baby boomers were too busy crying about pointless stuff while calling young people snowflakes.
These are the *exaggerated by me* sentiments of a person who is angry because mayonnaise sales have dropped in recent years.
In an article for Philadelphia Magazine which many online think/hope was a parody, Sandy Hingston laments the fact that nobody wants her mayo-laden potato salad, so delicately spiced with celery seed though it is.
Hingston is funny as hell. Shes got some solid mayo puns and takes things too far in the way only your dads weird pub mate – drunk on Radler at a barbecue and having recently heard that someone goes to Goldsmiths and is nonbinary – can.
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Heres a little tidbit to illustrate to you how far this mayo-related annoyance goes for them, as well as how much they romanticise the white, gloopy condiment of their fondest memories:
My son Jake, whos 25, eats mayo. Hes a practical young man who works in computers and adores macaroni salad. Hes a good son. I also have a daughter. She was a womens and gender studies major in college. Naturally, she loathes mayonnaise.
Good boy Jake eats up his mayo like a very obedient son. Nameless daughter on the other hand wont even gulp it down when mummy pretends the spoon is a plane and makes a zoomy noise. Shes too busy growing her armpit hair and reading Gloria Steinem.
As funny as taking sides with their kids based on their condiment preference is, it is true that people dont seem to have as much love for mayo as they did in the good old days (yknow, back when you could still leave your door unlocked at night and women werent allowed to vote).
Although there isnt data in the Philadelphia Mag piece, Business Insider reported that sales of the white stuff has dropped, and companies like Hellmanns are having to innovate to keep people interested.
That doesnt mean its all young peoples fault, however. Maybe people are just branching out, broadening their horizons, and getting more out of that massive jar in the back of the fridge while they also try sriracha and tahini and a sexy little chilli number from the farmers market.
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Hingston calls young mayo-enjoyers outliers in their piece, citing some Buzzfeed articles and comments from influencers who say it looks like it was squeezed out of a zit.
Wake up, Sandy, youre hanging out with the wrong crowd. Im fighting anecdotes with anecdotes here, but among the millennials I know, mayo is a God tier sauce.
Prajay, 27, tells us: Mayo is godly. Eat it with burgers, chips, sandwiches. GET SOME LEMON JUICE, MAYO AND SOME GARLIC IN A BLENDER. GET SOME F*CKIN CHIPOTLE LIME AND MAYO IN A BLENDER ASWELL OH MY GOOOOOOOOD.
Have you ever read a more passionate – or millennial – response?!
Ilinca, 26, takes exception to Sandys assertions: Can you imagine being the kind of person who gets angry about what other people season their food with, though? Can you imagine being that guy, staring angrily into someone elses mayoless plate, and seeing the collapse of the American dream?
She refers back to a dish from her native Romania called salata de boeuf, which heavily features mayo alongside chopped meat and pickled veg. Ilinca concludes: Whatever else happens, Ill still need mayo in my life for that.
Controversial. Brave. Beautiful.
According to George, 26, mayonnaise is WD40 but for chips, and Hebe, 24, told us, Its the best condiment IMO. That means in my opinion, boomers, get with the program.
No one I spoke to had a bad word to say about the allegedly maligned sauce, which scientifically proves that theres a strong camp of people backing mayonnaise.
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Haters gonna hate, but theyre prevalent in every generation. Age isnt a factor in why theyll never know the true joy of a big bottle of garlic mayo being squidged with gay abandon onto their 3am kebab.
Hellmanns, you will live to fight another day. And Sandy, maybe people dont eat your potato salad because it just isnt that good. Sorry.
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